I have a 10 inch penis.
I once blessed the Pope (then he sneezed).
I can out stare the sun.
Clint Eastwood once made my day.
I chop down trees on Arbor Day then replant them.
I talk shit about Perez Hilton.
When Google wants to know something, they call me.
I die on Good Friday, come back on Easter and give Jesus the credit.
I was a model for Abercrombie and Fitch but got fired for looking too good.
I don’t know what my ring tone is because I answer my phone before it rings.
I caught the most interesting man on Earth reading my journal looking for ideas. I gave him a dos G’s because I don’t hate.
They make number one pencils for me exclusively and instead of lead, they are filled with a diamonds.
I am the reason Mike Tyson got fat.
I will solve the conflict in the Middle East after I finish watching Season 1 of Archer. That shit is just funny.
