LOVE!

7:05 Hi Jen. It’s me. Just calling to say “I love you”. Call me. Bye.

8:18 Hey Jen, you wouldn’t believe what John just ate for breakfast. Musta been that new Egg-Sausage-Ass sandwich from the BK. Call me back this time K.

9:54 Jen. Greg. Where the fuck are you? I’ve sent you like 10 texts and left like 10 messages. Call me BACK. NOW!!!!

11:39 Jen. I’m sorry, I think I had low blood sugar or something. John and I were talking in the bathroom and we both agreed that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. When you get a free minute, please call. I love you honey bear! John and I are going to HomeTown Buffet!

1:15 Okay, Jen, this shit isn’t funny anymore. Instead of banging the GODDAM mailman while I’m working my ass off to support your uneducated, lazy, boney ass, how about putting down every cock in the neighborhood and getting back to me or we are OVER like a SOBER ROVER!

1:16 Wow Jen, I definitely crossed the line on that one. I am really sorry. Really! It’s just that I love you sooo much baby. You know how crazy you make me. HAHA! I’m your passionate stallion! Neeeeiiiiggghhhhh!!! HA! But seriously, if you don’t call me back soon, I’m afraid I’ll cut myself again. Okay, bye. Call me. Bye. Don’t forget. Okay bye. Okay?


2:12 JEN PICK UP THE PHONE!!! There was a HUGE EARTHQUAKE and John dove under his desk like a giant pussy. But get this, all of his stupid Salesman of the Month trophies blocked his way out and guess who saved him? Me! HAHA! I got this huge adrenaline rush and saved his limp-dicked ass. The guys think you are totally gonna blow me now! Haha! Okay. Talk to ya soon.

3:33 I gave you your chance and you BLEW IT Jen! You are such a passive-aggressive fucking ungrateful fucking whore. GeT THe FUcK OuTtA MY LIFE!!! UNDERSTAND ASSFACE?! WE ARE THROUGH!! I HATE YOU!!! HOPE YOU DIE!! Why, oh why did I waste my life with you? You have brought me nothing but pain and misery! I have been nothing but honest, loving and heroic. You owe me more. I owe myself more than this. I’ve been talking to John and we both think you have been using me for a looong time. He should totally know on accounta his gayness. We gave it a good run I guess. Now that I’ve had time to think about it, my heart was never really into it all the way anyways. I took pity on a poor little helpless girl. I did you a huge favor and got nothing back. That’s the last time I think of someone else first. Good riddance skank!

3:34 Oh, HAHA! I just found that little reminder note you left in my attache. Whoops, I completely forgot you were taking my mom to the Camarillo Outlets today. Hope you had a great time. Should I pick up some dinner on the way home? Love you! We’re good right?

I know

What exactly is the downside to convalescent living again? Where do I start? You can literally fall asleep anytime you want, even while in mid-sentence if it feels right. There’s the never worrying about shitting yourself because, get this, you are supposed to shit yourself. You can yell at the Flintstones, yell at your herpes, yell at your eyebrows and then yell at the nurse because someone keeps fucking yelling. I don’t even have to think about chewing anymore- food comes in liquid form, it’s like being a baby bird in a warm nest- I asked them to take the rest of my teeth out and guess what...they did. Natch.

Don’t even get me started on the all-day pajama wearing. For the last 3 months, I’ve been Sponge Bob Squarepants bottoms and Spiderman tops and not a one has said a goddam thing about it. Last yesterday, I lost my socks and then I realized I was looking at the wrong feet?! Go figure.

Then there’s the experimental drug ingestion. You literally can have all you want all the time. I spent all of Mayvembery in a haze so thick, I thought I was Ryan Seacrest auditioning for the role of Jimmy Smitts in NYPD Blue. I only made it out because the can of Spam Jen force fed me on her last visit must have been contaminated with the right mix or mercury and piganus.

Can you keep a secret? Good. Sexual orientation is a thing of the past. Once you get over the initial stage fright I guarantee you won’t believe how many cocks you can suck at once and not even break a sweat. Vagina isn’t even the same animal anymore either. Not that I ever really understood all those moving parts, but now it’s more like a sideways roast-beef sandwich hold the cheddar or maybe not. Good thing I’m here ‘til I’m dead cuz you couldn’t pay me to leave. I’d never make it on the outside again anyway.

Vegan

I am turning into someone I barely recognize anymore. I used to be able to stick a motherfucker, ya know. Now I’m full of regret and even worse, self-loathing. I’ve never been the quiet, introspective sort. More like the quiet, I got nothing to think about kinda guy. Lately it seems like shit has just been getting to me. What’s particularly troublesome is that the denial that has been my go to emotion for so long is no longer working. From ignoring my gum disease to believing that my Axe body-wash will eventually get me laid, I’m starting to think it might actually be me. Jesus, the thought of me being depressed is super depressing. I guess prison really fucking works. Plus I miss Whole Foods.