Z to A on 1 Foot

Why can’t I ever catch a break? I was poisoned for christsakes! And look, I threw up all over my new $750 Evisu Ninja jeans! Lesson learned if I do say so myself. Sure you can argue that I brought it on myself but is that really true? Is it? I think not. How am I supposed to stop drinking when everybody knows that drinking impairs your judgement, so if I did stop drinking wouldn’t my judgement have been good thereby rendering it unimpaired? It’s not like I’m a superhero even though I am wearing a cape. Oh yeah, the tights too...but they looked awesome in the store. They have high definition lighting or something. I swear to god I woulda bought a shirt made of raw macaroni in that place. My point is you can’t win officer. And what was I doing behind the wheel? Well look, I can’t justify that but I can tell you I was earnestly trying to get home without running into you. I feel like you are really judging me right now and I’ve had a couple of setbacks recently. Yes, I think I really know now what it means to be personally responsible but obviously this is NOT one of those times. What I am trying to say is that since we’ve met, I don’t know if you call it male bonding or what but I feel this energy between us and I wonder what you would do if I leaned in and gave you a small sweet kiss just south of your perfect manicured lawn of a mustache. While it may not be the most original accessory for someone in your line of work, you really have found a way to make it work for you and make it your own. It is glorious sir. Oh, you are right, there does appear to be a deer halfway through my windshield. Well, I can totally explain that.

Odd to John

.
I just pulled a stomach muscle while stretching and even though it hurt like a monkey, at least it proved that I do own and operate abs. I’ve been thinking a lot about my outer appearance lately. In the past, I generally took for granted my ridiculous good looks, and pitied most of the shapeless sad sacks who found themselves lucky enough to be in my company. Recently, however, I am finding myself to be a tad more self-conscious. Obviously, my grooming and hygienic habits are not the problem, (I freelance as tooth and gum poster model). My issue can be directly attributed to the fact that I am friends with John Banks. In order to make himself feel better, John carries out daily audible inventory counts of my facial beauty marks (he calls “moles”). He badgers me incessantly about the love handles I have methodically nourished and nurtured. John delves deep into the crevasses of my psyche and reels up to the surface the source of all ills that has damaged me: “fagitosis”. Outwardly, Mr. Banks gives the impression that he is a compassionate, thoughtful listener; he nods appropriately, smiles encouragingly and responds convincingly. The thing that blows his cover is his constant and unmanageable erection. I guess it’s all my fault. He has fooled me more than once but I keep coming back to the well. I never thought of myself as being so dependent on the vague whims and needs of such a selfish fuckface but I guess it is my lot in life. To be completely transparent, if I had a chance to do it all again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
.

Tru Dat

.
There are words and phrases that make my skin crawl. Keeping in mind that my ability to navigate the English language has already been trumped by my children, I represent zero authority. I think I’m just an asshole. Some of these are perfectly fine, they just hurt my brain. Anywho, here is my list of grievances that I would like to see disappear from the language:

Anywho - Zesty - Fascia - Happy Camper - In no particular order

24/7 - Hob-Knob - Repurpose - Move the Cheese - Outside the Box

Double-Speak - Short and Curlies - Lectern - Case in Point

Vis-a-vis - Stalagmites (but strangely, not Stalactites) - Chipper

Parka - Rouse - Effervescent - Obsequious - Uber

Porno (but not Porn) - Not for nothing (N’ fo’ nu’in) - Palimony

Sheaf - Tummy - Season to Taste (Sean) - Regina

Turn of Phrase - Salacious - Break Bread - Buzzwords

Hiccup (when describing anything other than the bodily function)

Break Wind - Scandalous - Tongs - Libation - Aerate

Smegma - Gift of Gab

.

Movie Review #3: 300

.
Okay, just saw 300 on TNT. I did see it in the theater with Jason but was way too tired from taking advantage of the generous dollar menu at KFC and nodded off like 5 minutes in. Am I glad I gave it another go! Let’s just start by saying I have several new questions about my sexual orientation. I mean, if there was a way you could track my eye movements during the flick, I seriously doubt I ever looked away from Gerard Butler’s abs. How did he do that? And it wasn’t just him either, every mofo in the movie could not have possibly consumed a carbohydrate within 2 months of filming. I don’t have any idea what anyone said or what happened but I am willing to give the movie 5 erections.

In Honor of Chuck Norris' 70th Birthday

.
Chuck Norris is so tough, he performed his own caesarian-section.

Chuck Norris may be 70 but that is only 10 in Chuck years.

Chuck Norris’ mustache was the inspiration for the bomb-deactivator in the Hurt Locker.

When Chuck Norris dies the law of gravity will end.

Gillette had to invent the Mach Chuck so he could get a clean shave.

Chuck Norris is the real reason dinosaurs are extinct.

Chuck Norris taught Jesus how to walk on water (and to wear sandals).

Chuck Norris sold me a set of encyclopedias and I didn't even want them.

Chuck Norris invented Windows 7.

Chuck Norris told James Cameron how to make Avatar.

Chuck Norris had sex with my wife while I watched (and learned).

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris really wanted Obama to win and sabotaged Huckabee.

Chuck Norris once shat his pants and sold them on E-bay for $1,000,000.00.

Chuck Norris’ hair is so tough it only looks like a wig that looks real.

Chuck Norris moisturizes daily.

Chuck Norris once stole my ATM card and deposited 20 bucks into my checking account.

Chuck Norris won Celebrity Jeopardy and made Alex Trebek shave off his mustache.
****or When Chuck Norris won on Celebrity Jeopardy, Alex Trebek's mustache committed mustache suicide and assimilated in Chuck Norris mustache and heretofore renamed Chulex Trenorrisbek.

Chuck Norris invented Al Gore.

Chuck Norris didn’t invent letters but he did invent alphabetical order.

Chuck Norris’ mustache predicts rain, earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, and Kentucky Derby winners.

When women look directly into Chuck Norris’ eyes, their menstrual cycles shift.

Chuck Norris should NOT have had a V-8.

Chuck Norris once mailed me a check for my birthday and wrote “Bad-Ass” on the memo line.




.

Too Far

.
My ass has been really itchy lately. There’s no other way to say it. I know this happens to everyone at some point but Jesus Christ, I can’t get any relief. Don’t come at me like I don’t have a thorough cleansing strategy either because that is bullshit. I use baby-wipes, I dab-not wipe, I don’t force out involuntary hostages either (I pride myself on keeping negotiations short). So what gives? Lately I have been farting just for the mili-second of asshole relief it offers. I’ve even taken to bitting and swallowing my fingernails so that my turds can scratch their way out...all to no avail. Look, I know that there are products out there to help, believe I’ve tried them: from Anusol to Asshole-Itch-Be-Gone. Nothing. No help. Waking up with my finger three quarters of an inch scratching up the pipe is not doing my marriage any favors either. Maybe I’ll just have to quit getting butt-fucked.

.

Woman charged in breast milk assault on jailer

.
AP – 1 hr 15 mins ago  
OWENSBORO, Ky. - A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. WYMT-TV reported that a 31-year-old woman was arrested Thursday on a misdemeanor charge of public intoxication. But as she was changing into an inmate uniform, she squirted breast milk into the face of a female deputy who was with her.

I think I just came.


.