SHIT THAT JEN HAS SAID THAT MADE ME ORGASM INSTANTLY:

Hey stop stopping and stop acting stupid.

You know I hate to get wet.

Greg, can you open this?

You better make it quick.

No you can’t put your finger there.

Get off my hair asshole

I feel sick.

Do you wanna get something to eat?

I had a feeling you would try something stupid.

Okay but don’t talk, your breath stinks.

That hurts.

Did you just call me “John”?

I’m really full.

Fine, I’ll grab your nuts.

Hurry up!

IT REALLY HAPPENED!

Last night my buddies and I were having a great night at the rink playing hockey. Then Todd farted and my life changed forever:

Now, no one else can fart for 100 years

I think he changed my gender

I am now unable to parallel park

I am now unable to differentiate between laughing at and laughing with

I mix metaphors

I can no longer conjugate a verb in simple present tense

My semen has the same cleavage ratings as basalt

My right foot grew 2 sizes

I forgot how to drive a manual transmission

I think Justin Bieber has chops

My left nut registers 1 degree warmer than my right one

I ate a Double Down from KFC and lived to tell the tale

I can disobey the law of gravity by throwing a puck in the air and clapping the Star Spangled Banner in Braille

I gutted a Swedish fish with a hairpin

I can no longer see the color blue

My Way

Do not judge me. Okay so I spend all my free time hanging under my kitchen sink subsisting on whatever doesn’t make it through the disposal. And last night, as I scraped the floor of my oven I was overcome with emotion upon the discovery of a year old fish stick. I knew the turnaround between mastication and defecation would be short but for a few brief moments as I dipped the charred Gorton’s tidbit into my homemade blend of bird feces and Colgate Total Advanced Whitening, I was God-like.

I still find it amazing how relatively easy it was to eat the neighbors. Granted we didn’t share political or religious views, I still expected some tinge of guilt or at least a gag. But nothing. I hate to say it, but they were kind of delicious. I guess it’s one of those self-preservation thingies. Try telling me God doesn’t have a plan and I’ll laugh right in your face… before I try to bite off your nose.

In the wee hours of most nights, I can’t help but think wistfully back to what used to be. Oh, the daily rituals consisting of deodorant (non-consumable by the way) application, generous shitting and eager masturbating. Now I consider myself lucky if I get one or two of those pleasures a month. I remember hanging on to every word Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert teased. How I laughed at the morons on Fox News as I made out my Whole Foods grocery list. Thank goodness for Armageddon or I woulda been a pussy my whole life.

Owwww MOM!!!!

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Would it really kill the fine people at Body Essence to keep a caged gorilla in the lab basement? Why do I have to be the guinea pig and find out for myself that when your shampoo seeps into my eye it burns like acid? I appreciate your PR attempts but I would appreciate it if I didn’t have to lose my vision in my quest for richer, fuller hair. Get a poodle motherfuckers.
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Man oh Man

Like
Hungry man dinners
Manischewitz
Man Vs Wild
Manwhiches
Man in the Mirror
Manic Depression

Meh
Man Vs Food
Manatees
Man on fire
Manhattan
Manny Rodriguez
Mandy Moore
Burning Man

Hate
Man caves
Bromance
Manacles
Human League
Manchester United
Manitoba

MY ZIT IS SO BIG:

it asked me if these pants make my ass look fat (I said, “no, your fat ass makes your ass look fat”).

I can legally drive in the carpool lane.

I put a helmet on it to play hockey.

it can be fellated successfully.

it stole the covers while we were sleeping.

it beat me at wii bowling.

it made me see Avatar again.

it makes me walk to the left.

it ate a Snickers Bar and was satisfied.

it watches me masturbate (and offers advice).

it ate a Snickers Bar and now it has a zit.

it writes a more popular blog.

Glenn Beck

Can’t a guy tell a racist joke without Joe Liberal getting so offended anymore? It’s racism and hate that gives people a reason for waking up in the morning! While you weave your Scooby-doo hybrid through Silverlake thinking your hipster thoughts in your hipster head, don’t you understand thems crosses ain’t gonna burn themselves? I cannot for the life of me understand why you sensitive souls take umbrage every time a progressive wheel like me squeaks. You get all high and mighty thinking you are Whole Foods when we all know you are Walmart. Own it baby. How can you get any more American than “Made in China”?