January 4, 2010...you probably already saw it but..
spoiler alerts aplenty, so don’t come abitchin’ to me later.
First of all, fricken Jason was late. I got to his house right on time and he was still getting dressed. What’s up with that shit? That dude has like 500 versions of the same shirt, how hard is it to make a decision plaid-boy? Plus I was really jonesing to get baked and I timed it to the minute and now I had to worry about accommodating his schedule. We finally get there and the next thing I know, he got the times mixed up and we were like 45 minutes early so we walked around the back of the Megaplex and bought some 99 cent Chinese food from some dude standing next to a dumpster that said they fucked up his order. The economy being what it is, I figured worst thing that could happen is I get the squirts and have to jet during the boring James-I-can’t-make-a-goddamn-flick-without-injecting-a-stupid-fucking-love-story-and-leave-well-enough-alone-Cameron moment. We split the egg-foo what the fuck kinda meat is this and met Vic at the fire exit to let us in (my pass must have been lost in the mail). Vic made us buy him popcorn and some jelly-bellies which was fine by me because he just saved my ass $12.50. I got back to my seat just in time and I tried to not talk and really pay attention since this was gonna be my first official review. Jason wet-farted and I swear to God it changed my sense of sight because every Avatar in Avatar was blue and I knew that there was no way in hell that was a thing. So what happens breaks down like this: wounded ex-marine twin brother of a dead scientist is recruited to replace him and be an AVATAR operator that infiltrates (for an evil human corporate machine) an indigenous people(Na’Vis)’s beautiful world full of wonder and danger only to fall for a sexy sassy smart Na’vi who happens to be the King’s offspring. Turns out he sides with the Na’vi and there will be blood (but no on-screen sex).
Final review: Smurferrific!