You know how it's 99% disgusting to throw-up? It stinks, burns, splashes everywhere, makes your eyes water, and cramps up your stomach muscles. BUT, there is the 1%. That far corner of your mind that you don't want to admit is there in the middle of your five alarm fire of hot mess. It is the part that is enjoying the vomiting process. Hopefully, my blog is that 1% .

Friday, October 29, 2010

4-Year-Old Can Be Sued, Judge Rules in Bike Case

October 26, 2010

What took so long? Just the other day, I seized upon a golden opportunity to not only quench my thirst but also help out some industrious little fuckheads and bought some “lemonade” from a local stand. Talk about tart! In fairness, I’m not exactly expecting Hot Dog on a Stick quality, but Jesus Country Time Christ, is nobody on my block responsible for quality control? That’s 50 cents I’m not getting back. Or is it? I just found out, it’s now open season in a new litigious world and anyone north of fetus status is game. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure you can sue an embryo at conception if you are crafty enough and still hung over. I’m all in favor of letting kids be kids but that doesn’t mean those little dill munchers are getting a free pass if they fart when I tickle them. God forbid they piss on me too and they may as well be punching my ticket to a South Beach vaca.

At this point you may be asking what’s the point of suing a shorty. I agree, it’s not exactly like these snot faced bastards are rolling in duckets but they have other valuable resources: If you’re both a Lego fan and a Harry Potter fan (and who isn’t, really) the Lego Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle is a must have. It’s not only huge, but with 10 minifigs, kids can practically film their own animated movie with it! All you gotta do is trip on a block and that motherfucker is yours fair and square. And how about this? Imagine if a skate board and a Razor Scooter had a baby (I’m sure you can sue it too). The result would be something called the Razor Sole Skate. Holy shit, I can’t wait for my next visit with my reckless nephews. That bitch will be in the garage.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Saturday, October 16, 2010

L.A. County Sheriff Lee Baca says deputies would enforce marijuana laws even if Prop. 19 passes

October 15, 2010 | 1:12 pm

Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca wasted no time responding to reporters' inquiries regarding his take on Prop 19, California's controversial attempt to make recreational use of marijuana legal. "Goddam hippies think I ain't the law! HA! Wait 'til I see some stupid punkass smoking a lid! He'll be hearing nothing but his Mirandas' while the shit hits the fan", Baca lamented as he popped a couple of Percocets out of a Jon Stewart Pez dispenser.

"It's days like these makes me wonder why we let anyone over 21 the right to vote!" he continued, "There should be a law restricting these frivolous propositions from getting on the ballot. I mean if there was a proposition that ended stupid propositions, it sure as Hell would have my vote" he said as he flawlessly injected a hypodermic needle into each of his temples while this reporter watched in awe his wrinkles magically disappear.

"I mean, look how far we've slipped as a society. It's bad enough with the homos flaunting their same-sex destruction of 'marriages' all over West Hollywood but we also have stem cells that, I'll admit are helping people with debilitating diseases live more comfortable lives, not being given the proper Christian burial that they deserve" apparently oblivious to his surroundings he started kicking strollers and sucker-punching babies (is there any other way to punch a baby?)."

Asked if he ever smoked marijuana, Baca unstrapped his 45 mm, pushed it into this reporter's forehead and as this reporter's life flashed before his eyes, he surprised himself about how much focused regret he had at never successfully orgasming a partner. Baca replied," Are you fucking kidding, you fascist Leftie! I oughta send you to your maker where you'll learn the manners that your Momma shoulda taught you but she was too busy toking up with your sperm donor." A little too spot on, this reporter was becoming a little concerned that maybe he had done some kinda background check, then it dawned on this reporter that is was probably the bowl he smoked in his Miata on the way to the press conference that made him a little paranoid, but then a second dawning revealed that it was probably the big ass gun still aimed at this reporter's frontal lobe that was more the likely the source for impaired thinking ability. Nah, it was the bud.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Wednesday is target for extraction of Chilean miners to begin

In a dramatic shift of events, negotiations have been resolved granting the Chilean government permission to evict 33 bloodsucking leaches. The settlers believed to be occupying the luxurious, deluxe low-rise, previously rent-controlled apartments located 2000 feet below the surface of one of the shittiest countries on the planet.

The obnoxious, gibberishly named "Los 33" have been squatting for the last 2 months seemingly abandoning family members, friends, and generous former employer Chilean Mining and Pedicures, without care or concern. Video feeds displaying giddy, drunken, slender men engaging in lewd acts have in recent days resulted in sending the nation's citizenry into a panicked frenzy attempting to join them. A few copycat groups such as the shiftless lay-about, Los 32 have been caught digging into random mud fields in desperate, vain hopes of riding the wave of a newly awakened culture. No longer can Chileans be accused of being a group of self-indulgent caffeine addicted misanthropic surfers. Sure, they have had a few distractions along the way, like some Pinochet dude and his cocksucking policy about hippie hating, but is that an excuse for the general population to namby-pamby around the underground and fuck up the best neighborhoods with their reverse gentrification?

In my opinion, you can't get those motherfuckers outta there soon enough!

Friday, October 1, 2010

'bout time

I’m thinking that upon achieving super-stud status (happening any day now, btw), I’ll be employing the semi-controversial Bill Murray S.O.P. for dealing with everyday situations: FUCK EVERYBODY!

I have been far too accommodating to the pedestrian individuals I am forced to interact with on a daily basis; the passive-aggressive geriatric Walmart greeter whose singular, disposable use to me is directions to the boxed Merlot. Then there's Floyd, my overzealous, self-righteous, self-entitled landlord. Not to mention Cynthia at American Express with her droning, judgmental questioning of my purchasing habits (maybe I want to charge my entire team’s hockey fees before declaring bankruptcy!). But how do I respond? I swallow my hate and burp, "Yes sir, yes ma'am, you are right. I guess I was in your way!" Screw that shit, it's tea-bagging time. I am a white, male for fuck'sake. Why am I stuck nurturing and dish-washing? Well, no longer will I sit passively by as my country turns into a huge cesspool of a Hitler-loving-Stalin-following-perfect-storm-of-fascist-communism. Polar opposites, my ass. It's not like I put myself in this dilly on my own. It's time for America to be American again. If I can't eat it, I sure as hell better be able to fuck it.