After I die, put my hand in a bucket of water and see if I pee.
I was totally joking when I said to donate my eyes to science.
I can’t believe I never got around to watching Mad Men.
Don’t let your mom find my porn collection.
I never used soap in the shower.
I like dudes.
Thank God I never lived to see the Leafs win the cup.
I am a double black-belt in puppeteering.
I once fellated a komodo dragon. I was in college and experimenting.
Trudy and I used to make out while watching Happy Days in the basement.
I used to eat Crisco. By the can. Daily.
I think I’m dying.
Fuck, I think I’m still double-parked.
That paramedic had a blond mustache.
My favorite movie is Blame it on Rio.
Of course I’m not scared, I frequently involuntarily shit myself.
How do I look? Liar.
I would do anything to trade places with you.