You know how it's 99% disgusting to throw-up? It stinks, burns, splashes everywhere, makes your eyes water, and cramps up your stomach muscles. BUT, there is the 1%. That far corner of your mind that you don't want to admit is there in the middle of your five alarm fire of hot mess. It is the part that is enjoying the vomiting process. Hopefully, my blog is that 1% .

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

My Road to Manhood

Unremarkable Canadian birth. Apparently fell out like a champ.

Peeing on the floor in school because I didn’t want to disrupt the flow of our charismatic, asthmatic Librarian.

Getting hosed for a 20 spot buying a pack of Players for my father. Subsequent ass-kicking followed.

Watching Darren practice his haftarah for his bar mitzvah and realizing religion is a sucker bet.

Watching Darren get close to a grand opening envelopes for said rite of passage.

Playing hockey like a pacifist until I got pissed, then playing like a school girl (style remains unchanged am told).

Move to Southern California: tanning, blondeing, further reinforcement of my inner pussified disposition.

First dance. Country-Western style (thank you Placerita). Hands were respectful, can’t say the same for my erection. Sorry Nicole.

First J. Toked enthusiatically with way too much lip contact. Seeds, stems, burnt fingers. Could not stop talking about how high I was. I think it lasted for 3 days.

First car. 1982 Fiat Strada. Baby blue, spacious 82 sq.ft. interior,12” tires, London Calling on loop. Purchased for $500 from father. Overpaid by at least 400. One day as I rounded a corner, the frame cleaved, transmission made a break for it.

1st-4th base, in field home-run. Is 30 seconds considered premature ejaculation? Found an agreeable, resourceful fellow camper at an Ojai summer camp and involuntary, spastic muscle movements ruined what could have easily been a decent orgasm. Sorry Michelle.

First car accident. Lotsa shrieking and exceptionally loud undesired metal readjustments to my 1978 Firebird. I think I blacked out. I’m sure it was my fault because most trees are inanimate (unless you count “growing” but that can hardly be to blame for our meeting).

First “real” girlfriend. Co-dependent, shallow, unrequited, Workers Playtime. Left spinning and drunk. Dinosaur Jr. Sorry Melissa.

Employment. Cubically, grey floors, grey walls, grey ceiling, grey feelings. Soul crushing, creativity depriving, ass-kissing, corrupted, unethical, un-environmental, foolishness.

Marriage, kids, mortgage, debt, debt, debt. At current rate, likely retirement scheduled for 2055. Sorry Jen.

Family, friends, alcohol thank god.

1 comment:

  1. 40 years old, Vegas, Bloody Mary (Best Ever), 5 people at sushi, Hardrock took back what the Stratosphere had given, John Banks (a beacon of hope, third wheel, no birthday sex, sorry Jen and Greg.