You know how it's 99% disgusting to throw-up? It stinks, burns, splashes everywhere, makes your eyes water, and cramps up your stomach muscles. BUT, there is the 1%. That far corner of your mind that you don't want to admit is there in the middle of your five alarm fire of hot mess. It is the part that is enjoying the vomiting process. Hopefully, my blog is that 1% .

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Things I May Say on my Deathbed

After I die, put my hand in a bucket of water and see if I pee.

I was totally joking when I said to donate my eyes to science.

I can’t believe I never got around to watching Mad Men.

Don’t let your mom find my porn collection.

I never used soap in the shower.

I like dudes.

Thank God I never lived to see the Leafs win the cup.

I am a double black-belt in puppeteering.

I once fellated a komodo dragon. I was in college and experimenting.

Trudy and I used to make out while watching Happy Days in the basement.

I used to eat Crisco. By the can. Daily.

I think I’m dying.

Fuck, I think I’m still double-parked.

That paramedic had a blond mustache.

My favorite movie is Blame it on Rio.

Of course I’m not scared, I frequently involuntarily shit myself.

How do I look? Liar.

I would do anything to trade places with you.

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