You know how it's 99% disgusting to throw-up? It stinks, burns, splashes everywhere, makes your eyes water, and cramps up your stomach muscles. BUT, there is the 1%. That far corner of your mind that you don't want to admit is there in the middle of your five alarm fire of hot mess. It is the part that is enjoying the vomiting process. Hopefully, my blog is that 1% .
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Why I got Married
Hi, I’m Greg. And you are? That’s a beautiful name...Fuck Off. Is it 2 words or just 1? Sounds Croatian. Seriously, I just wanted to say "Hi" because I noticed your beautiful smile when I walked in. Oh, her? No, she’s just a friend from work. She doesn’t even want to be here. Ok fine. Watch this...hey Becky, fuck off! See, I used your name in a sentence. No seriously Becky, you should totally leave, I’m talking to my new friend here and I’m about to play some Def Leppard in the jukebox. She hates Def Leppard. Sorry about that, I really tried to protect her feelings but sometimes you just have to be direct. So, what are you drinking? Really, Bushmills? Blech, I can’t really stomach that. Waitress, I’ll take 2 Bushmills. I guess it’s never too late to try something new. Hey can I ask you your input about something? I am totally going to get a new tattoo and I need an objective opinion and an objective opinion from a beautiful girl is even better. Do you know where I can find one? Ha, just kidding, you will totally get used to that. I have a wicked funny sense of humor. And timing. Oh sorry, right. Okay, you know how EVERYONE has those faggy, barbed wire or tribal band tats around their biceps? Oh thank you. Yeah, I guess I started getting serious about lifting in 10th grade. It really has become a way of life for me. Back then it was all long hair and long hours in the gym getting pumped...sigh. Oh yeah, I was thinking about getting a monkey swinging from limb to limb all the way around and then BLAMMO, fucking TARZAN chasing him. You know, like Cheetah forgot to clean his room and Tarzan is pissed. You gotta figure Cheetah got sick of Tarzan acting all anal all the time and just started throwing all his feces at him. What? Sure but it will be really hard to hear you from here. What? See, I told you. But our Bushmills aren’t even here yet. Okay but specifically speaking, what exactly did I do wrong? Nice. Look it couldn’t be everything. Well I got this from my ex. 1994. I think it looks good. Fine, well if I ever meet Eddie Vedder, I’m telling him what you said. Fine. You don’t have to tell me twice. Well can I at least get your phone number? Okay your name then? Can I look for you on FaceBook? Jesus. Well, that went well Greg. Good job.