You know how it's 99% disgusting to throw-up? It stinks, burns, splashes everywhere, makes your eyes water, and cramps up your stomach muscles. BUT, there is the 1%. That far corner of your mind that you don't want to admit is there in the middle of your five alarm fire of hot mess. It is the part that is enjoying the vomiting process. Hopefully, my blog is that 1% .

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I hate when I’m watching porn and just as I begin to nut, there’s a 15 second close up of the sweaty, mustachioed dude. As I avert my eyes and notice the dog watching me, he says, ”Nice timing faggot”. I cannot believe my dog is homophobic!

I don’t regret the banana because it was soft and pleasant. In hindsight, sending in the ferret was perhaps unwise.

A tremendous amount of satisfaction is derived from sitting on the couch naked watching The Biggest Loser. Until you sober up and realize the fat stoner you were laughing at was in the mirror.

If I could do it all over again, I probably woulda paid back Italian Express and avoided the limp.

When I die and go to Heaven, I hope God has a room full of all of my duty. I’m having a difficult time trying to visualize it and it’s the least he could do for killing me.

I’m sorry but maybe I wouldn’t have to be a martyr if you people just cleaned up after yourselves for once.

I don’t understand people’s fascination with history (specifically pre 1970). I wasn’t even alive yet!

I wonder if Alexander Graham Bell knew that someday we’d all be beating off to pornography on our telephones.

Last night while Jen was sleeping I attached a harmonica to her coochie. Now every time she queefs, I’ll think she’s Bob Dylan.

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