You know how it's 99% disgusting to throw-up? It stinks, burns, splashes everywhere, makes your eyes water, and cramps up your stomach muscles. BUT, there is the 1%. That far corner of your mind that you don't want to admit is there in the middle of your five alarm fire of hot mess. It is the part that is enjoying the vomiting process. Hopefully, my blog is that 1% .

Thursday, March 11, 2010

In Honor of Chuck Norris' 70th Birthday

Chuck Norris is so tough, he performed his own caesarian-section.

Chuck Norris may be 70 but that is only 10 in Chuck years.

Chuck Norris’ mustache was the inspiration for the bomb-deactivator in the Hurt Locker.

When Chuck Norris dies the law of gravity will end.

Gillette had to invent the Mach Chuck so he could get a clean shave.

Chuck Norris is the real reason dinosaurs are extinct.

Chuck Norris taught Jesus how to walk on water (and to wear sandals).

Chuck Norris sold me a set of encyclopedias and I didn't even want them.

Chuck Norris invented Windows 7.

Chuck Norris told James Cameron how to make Avatar.

Chuck Norris had sex with my wife while I watched (and learned).

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris really wanted Obama to win and sabotaged Huckabee.

Chuck Norris once shat his pants and sold them on E-bay for $1,000,000.00.

Chuck Norris’ hair is so tough it only looks like a wig that looks real.

Chuck Norris moisturizes daily.

Chuck Norris once stole my ATM card and deposited 20 bucks into my checking account.

Chuck Norris won Celebrity Jeopardy and made Alex Trebek shave off his mustache.
****or When Chuck Norris won on Celebrity Jeopardy, Alex Trebek's mustache committed mustache suicide and assimilated in Chuck Norris mustache and heretofore renamed Chulex Trenorrisbek.

Chuck Norris invented Al Gore.

Chuck Norris didn’t invent letters but he did invent alphabetical order.

Chuck Norris’ mustache predicts rain, earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, and Kentucky Derby winners.

When women look directly into Chuck Norris’ eyes, their menstrual cycles shift.

Chuck Norris should NOT have had a V-8.

Chuck Norris once mailed me a check for my birthday and wrote “Bad-Ass” on the memo line.


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