Z to A on 1 Foot

Why can’t I ever catch a break? I was poisoned for christsakes! And look, I threw up all over my new $750 Evisu Ninja jeans! Lesson learned if I do say so myself. Sure you can argue that I brought it on myself but is that really true? Is it? I think not. How am I supposed to stop drinking when everybody knows that drinking impairs your judgement, so if I did stop drinking wouldn’t my judgement have been good thereby rendering it unimpaired? It’s not like I’m a superhero even though I am wearing a cape. Oh yeah, the tights too...but they looked awesome in the store. They have high definition lighting or something. I swear to god I woulda bought a shirt made of raw macaroni in that place. My point is you can’t win officer. And what was I doing behind the wheel? Well look, I can’t justify that but I can tell you I was earnestly trying to get home without running into you. I feel like you are really judging me right now and I’ve had a couple of setbacks recently. Yes, I think I really know now what it means to be personally responsible but obviously this is NOT one of those times. What I am trying to say is that since we’ve met, I don’t know if you call it male bonding or what but I feel this energy between us and I wonder what you would do if I leaned in and gave you a small sweet kiss just south of your perfect manicured lawn of a mustache. While it may not be the most original accessory for someone in your line of work, you really have found a way to make it work for you and make it your own. It is glorious sir. Oh, you are right, there does appear to be a deer halfway through my windshield. Well, I can totally explain that.