October 15, 2010 | 1:12 pm
Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca wasted no time responding to reporters' inquiries regarding his take on Prop 19, California's controversial attempt to make recreational use of marijuana legal. "Goddam hippies think I ain't the law! HA! Wait 'til I see some stupid punkass smoking a lid! He'll be hearing nothing but his Mirandas' while the shit hits the fan", Baca lamented as he popped a couple of Percocets out of a Jon Stewart Pez dispenser.
"It's days like these makes me wonder why we let anyone over 21 the right to vote!" he continued, "There should be a law restricting these frivolous propositions from getting on the ballot. I mean if there was a proposition that ended stupid propositions, it sure as Hell would have my vote" he said as he flawlessly injected a hypodermic needle into each of his temples while this reporter watched in awe his wrinkles magically disappear.
"I mean, look how far we've slipped as a society. It's bad enough with the homos flaunting their same-sex destruction of 'marriages' all over West Hollywood but we also have stem cells that, I'll admit are helping people with debilitating diseases live more comfortable lives, not being given the proper Christian burial that they deserve" apparently oblivious to his surroundings he started kicking strollers and sucker-punching babies (is there any other way to punch a baby?)."
Asked if he ever smoked marijuana, Baca unstrapped his 45 mm, pushed it into this reporter's forehead and as this reporter's life flashed before his eyes, he surprised himself about how much focused regret he had at never successfully orgasming a partner. Baca replied," Are you fucking kidding, you fascist Leftie! I oughta send you to your maker where you'll learn the manners that your Momma shoulda taught you but she was too busy toking up with your sperm donor." A little too spot on, this reporter was becoming a little concerned that maybe he had done some kinda background check, then it dawned on this reporter that is was probably the bowl he smoked in his Miata on the way to the press conference that made him a little paranoid, but then a second dawning revealed that it was probably the big ass gun still aimed at this reporter's frontal lobe that was more the likely the source for impaired thinking ability. Nah, it was the bud.