You know how it's 99% disgusting to throw-up? It stinks, burns, splashes everywhere, makes your eyes water, and cramps up your stomach muscles. BUT, there is the 1%. That far corner of your mind that you don't want to admit is there in the middle of your five alarm fire of hot mess. It is the part that is enjoying the vomiting process. Hopefully, my blog is that 1% .

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Probably should not say when you get pulled over by The Police:

-How rude of me. Would you like a cold beer too?

-So how does that zipper work there fella?

-Remember that scene from Fargo when Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare got pulled? Did not end well…just sayin’.

-What’s that big stick on your belt for?

-You didn’t happen to find that crack rock I dropped out a sec ago did ya?

-Now I bet you’re gonna tell me that there’s a law against masturbating in front of high schools. Really. Oh.

-I bet your mom is a really good kisser.

-Of course I’ve been drinking. If alcohol impairs your judgment, how should I know any better than not to drive?!

-Is this going to take a while? I gotta let that kid in my basement out of his cage for a potty break.

-Can you give me a police escort? I gotta get home for Bob’s Burgers!

-You’d be swerving too if you had a car full of sado masochistic midgets smoking hash while a cop was following you.

-So…you are not gonna give me back my pot then?

-I really think it’s a bad idea for me to open my trunk especially given the judgmental disposition you’ve displayed thus far.

-Can you make change for a ten? There’s no way I bribing you more than 5 bucks.

-The thing about my license is that I left it in my other pants…that are on the floor in your daughter’s room. You want me to call her really quick?

-Open container? My bad *GULP*, more like empty container. Happy now?

-Don’t tell me I left my kid in his car seat on the roof again. That’s twice in one week!

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