You know how it's 99% disgusting to throw-up? It stinks, burns, splashes everywhere, makes your eyes water, and cramps up your stomach muscles. BUT, there is the 1%. That far corner of your mind that you don't want to admit is there in the middle of your five alarm fire of hot mess. It is the part that is enjoying the vomiting process. Hopefully, my blog is that 1% .

Monday, December 14, 2009

22 million missing Bush White House e-mails found

AP Associated Press

Okay you got me. Quite frankly I can’t believe it took this long. Do you know how hard it is to stockpile 22 million, that’s 22,000,000 e-mails in a single story craftsman? It was getting to the point where I couldn’t even close my garage door. I don’t even consider myself a hoarder, I kind of figured they had some value, even if it was purely nostalgic:

subject: Miss Ya!
March 20, 2004
to: Tony Blair
from: The Dub

Howdy Mr. B.,
Jesus, can you believe it’s been 1 whole year since we jumped into Earaq? Makes me really verklempt to think about it. We did some real good ol’ buddy! Granted we both figured it’d be “Mission Accomplished” by now, but fuck it, we’re spurring the economy and purty soon we’ll both be bathin’ in Texas Tea!

Listen has your counsel come up with any exit strategy yet? Karl and Dick keep telling me to stay the course, but I’m not quite sure what that is exactly.


Geo W.

ps you haven’t accepted my Facebook friend request yet!

I just couldn’t bring myself to hit the delete button.

Initially I thought that they were phising e-mails but as I read them, I realized they were the real McCoy:

subject: Daddy Knows Best
May 30, 2001
to: Barbara Bush
from: Dad

Barbie! What the Hell is the matter with you? Your mother and I are super-pissed off here! How the heck do ya reckon ya can pass off a fucking fake ID with someone else’s name on it and use it to get into a club when you have 2 secret service officers following you around? I mean holy Christ on the cross, this is not looking good for me and you know what I have planned for late summer. Goddamit, you better call me when you get this.

I still love you but SHEEEZ, this is serious!


I guess I always knew that I was accidentally CC’d but once they started pouring in I was addicted. I even replied directly once:

subject: Shitface
June 23, 2004
to: Michael Moore
cc: G. Mitchell
from: George UU. Bush

Man, I’m really P.O.d! Man! I mean, shit, are you telling me that I can’t do 1 fucking thing right? I know you have some biased agenda but that was one of the worst documentaries I’ve ever seen! That’s it! I’m cutting funds to FEMA and see if you can get your art-house bullshit produced in the USA again! And you better believe I’m getting the IRS so far up your fat ass, they're gonna need Mapquest and flashlights to get out! Fuck with the bull and get the antlers asshole!


June 23, 2004
re: Shitface

Um. Hi Mr. Prezident. I’m not sure how my e-mail address got copied but I mistakingly received the e-mail that you just sent to Michael Moore and I just wanted to make sure that neither you nor your administration has me lumped in with that communist prick. Keep up the good work sir!


and next came his response:

June 23, 2004
re: Shitface

Good one Donald! We still meeting at Mickey Dees for McRibs? They’re being discontinued next week!


Although many of them were redundant (roughly 3.4 million copies, probably fell asleep on “SEND” button):

re: Shitface

Good one Donald! We still meeting at Mickey Dees for McRibs? They’re being discontinued next week!


or simple variables:

subject: No Worries
August 25, 2005
to: Brownie
from: GWB

Don’t sweat Katrina, it’ll blow over. We still meeting at Mickey Dees for McRibs? They’re being discontinued next week!


He actually sent out each of the 22 million missives himself and I think it answers why W. spend so much time at Camp David:

subject: R & R
July 2, 2006
to: Pop
from: Your Boy

Hi Dad,

Listen don’t get mad but some friends and I were playing in your old study at CAMP D. and well, I broke the armoire. I know that it belonged to Lincoln but they just didn’t have good craftsmanship back then.

Any way we can blame this on Clinton?
Your loving son,

At this point, I don’t really know what to expect. Looks like I’ve got 1 of 2 options coming, I’m either going to be awarded the presidential medal of freedom or sent off to Guantanamo Bay, either way I’m glad it’s over.

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