“Driver Gets Probation for Running Over Mother Duck.
The 25-year-old man testified he didn't see the ducks because he was distracted. He says he left the scene because he panicked.”
Fox News
Fair and Balanced my ass Fox News! Now I know how Obama feels when they bogush him. I am compelled to defend myself because it even skeeved me out when I read the headline.
You gotta understand, I like ducks as much as the next guy. It’s not like it makes me happy to see any of God’s creatures meet such cruel a fate as the belly of my Scion Xb. You think I wanted to bastardize half a dozen ducklings? Fuck no! Reading this you’ll come around to my way of thinking and I can go on about my business without the constant barrage of PETA death threats.
I have a perfectly rational excuse for the accident. First off, my Mom was on me all morning about getting some steady income or I’d be out on my ass if I came back without an application. So already, as you can imagine, I wasn’t in a good mood heading down to pick up Tommy. We were ‘possed to pick up a keg and some hot-links for the woods later and we figured we’d motor to the A&P and kill 2 birds with 1 stone, so to speak - pick up the shit and application and be on our way. Didn’t work out so simple, I never get shit right.
As I pulled into Tommy’s driveway, I wailed on the horn and he came running out pissed. Some shit about how I always wake up his Dad when I do that. Forgive me for forgetting that he sleeps all day cuz he’s some high falutin security guard pulling the graveyard shift at DeVry. I tried to apologize but this asshole doesn’t get off it the whole way to the ape. I mentally interrupt his bitching by texting Gloria about what time we’re gonna hook up. I endure about 5 more minutes of Tommy’s bullshit and as I pull into the parking lot, Gloria hits me up on the hip. I tell Tommy to STFU because Gloria doesn’t speak directly into her cell and I can never understand her. He doesn’t care, pumps up 50 Cent’s In da Club and I think Gloria is saying we need to take a break. I don’t really remember much that happened after that. Pretty sure I had a panic attack and as I came to...dead duck. I know it sounds like I’m a pussy but I think I kinda had a multi-task meltdown and just couldn’t deal. At least it wasn’t a kid I hit, that woulda been messed up.
Follow-up (in order to be thorough): Gloria wanted to know if we should “meet at the Lake” not “take a break”. Tommy’s still a douchebag but we did get fucked up in the woods. I didn’t get the job.
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