“Driver Gets Probation for Running Over Mother Duck.
The 25-year-old man testified he didn't see the ducks because he was distracted. He says he left the scene because he panicked.”
Fair and Balanced my ass Fox News! Now I know how Obama feels when they bogush him. I am compelled to defend myself because it even skeeved me out when I read the headline.
You gotta understand, I like ducks as much as the next guy. It’s not like it makes me happy to see any of God’s creatures meet such cruel a fate as the belly of my Scion Xb. You think I wanted to bastardize half a dozen ducklings? Fuck no! Reading this you’ll come around to my way of thinking and I can go on about my business without the constant barrage of PETA death threats.
I have a perfectly rational excuse for the accident. First off, my Mom was on me all morning about getting some steady income or I’d be out on my ass if I came back without an application. So already, as you can imagine, I wasn’t in a good mood heading down to pick up Tommy. We were ‘possed to pick up a keg and some hot-links for the woods later and we figured we’d motor to the A&P and kill 2 birds with 1 stone, so to speak - pick up the shit and application and be on our way. Didn’t work out so simple, I never get shit right.
As I pulled into Tommy’s driveway, I wailed on the horn and he came running out pissed. Some shit about how I always wake up his Dad when I do that. Forgive me for forgetting that he sleeps all day cuz he’s some high falutin security guard pulling the graveyard shift at DeVry. I tried to apologize but this asshole doesn’t get off it the whole way to the ape. I mentally interrupt his bitching by texting Gloria about what time we’re gonna hook up. I endure about 5 more minutes of Tommy’s bullshit and as I pull into the parking lot, Gloria hits me up on the hip. I tell Tommy to STFU because Gloria doesn’t speak directly into her cell and I can never understand her. He doesn’t care, pumps up 50 Cent’s In da Club and I think Gloria is saying we need to take a break. I don’t really remember much that happened after that. Pretty sure I had a panic attack and as I came to...dead duck. I know it sounds like I’m a pussy but I think I kinda had a multi-task meltdown and just couldn’t deal. At least it wasn’t a kid I hit, that woulda been messed up.
Follow-up (in order to be thorough): Gloria wanted to know if we should “meet at the Lake” not “take a break”. Tommy’s still a douchebag but we did get fucked up in the woods. I didn’t get the job.