You know how it's 99% disgusting to throw-up? It stinks, burns, splashes everywhere, makes your eyes water, and cramps up your stomach muscles. BUT, there is the 1%. That far corner of your mind that you don't want to admit is there in the middle of your five alarm fire of hot mess. It is the part that is enjoying the vomiting process. Hopefully, my blog is that 1% .
Friday, December 4, 2009
This Really Happened 2
Hi JimBob and Michelle! You Duggars sure turn out some kids doncha! Hey listen, I know that it’s none of my business and quite frankly, I would just as soon stay out of it but, I think you should probably slow down a bit. Here’s why: last night after an 1-1/2 hours of shape-shifting supersets with Ving Rhames at 24hr fitness, I needed to carbo-load and what better place than 7-11? I figured I’d grab a couple of cream-filled donuts, 64 oz of guaranteed fresh Brazilian bold java, and be on my merry way. Well, I was a little too anxious with the pour and quickly learned that 450 degrees is 7-11’s idea of perfect temperature, as I fused the inner-layer of moisture-resistant-nike-sweatpants to the inner layer of derma that was the right side of my ball-sack. Left with little choice, I shouted, “Goddamit”! To which an instant, earnest reply followed from the next aisle, “Goddam what?”
“This fucking coffee, it just changed my ejaculation strategy for the next week!”
“Okay”, and BLAMMO!! The coffee machine went up in a ball of flames. I was a little shocked and as I looked towards the voice, I knew this dude was something fierce. He looked just like Bono during the Zooropa tour (what a pain in the ass!) right down to the leather britches and annoying glasses.
“Jesus?” I asked meekly.
“No. Fuck that kid, it’s me, God!”
“Yeah, right, prove it!”
“Hey, dumbshit, I just sent the coffee machine to an eternity of Hell, just because you requested it. What else do you want?” He winked and made his glasses change colors.
“I guess that cinches it for me. Hey do you mind telling me what you’re doing in 7-11?”
“I know, it’s a little weird, but I ran out of those Hostess Coffee Crumb Cakes and..”
“Oh yeah, those things kick ass!”
“Right?” We just stared at each other for an awkward second of mutual admiration (I could tell he was digging my vibe, I’m sure he knew that I was a player), but I didn’t mind because, ya know, it was God.
“So Greg,” he started, “what do you have to say about all this reality TV they got these days?”
“Oh, it’s a buncha shit! Gimme the days of CHiPs or Miami Vice. All the stuff on today is garbage, I don’t know who’s digging it?”
God just kinda shrugged and started to look a little embarrassed. He picked up a copy of People and let out a gasp, “What the fuck?” and staring right back at him was a picture of your entire clan, 20 in all.
“I figured, you knew about them, after all they are really into you.”
God rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah, I guess I haven’t been paying that close of attention.”
“I would say so, that JimBob dude does not know the meaning of pulling out and his wife’s legs are open wide enough to drive a Buick through.”
God looked a little confused, “Are they masochists or something?”
“No, dude, they are following your word!”
“Well, I don’t judge, but..”
“What?! you don’t judge?! When was the last time you opened a Bible?”
“Hey, jackass, when was the last time you opened a Bible?”
“That’s right biatch, score another one for the Lord! Hey listen, Greg, do you mind doing me a favor?”
“Oh shit, this is not gonna be good is it?”
“Don’t sweat it, it’ll only take you a minute. My iMac, just took a shit on me and I don't want her vagina to fall out, soooo do you mind sending those Duggars a letter and tell Jimmy-Bob to just enjoy an orgasm and put a raincoat on? Or maybe he can pull out and come on his wife’s titties every once in a while.”
“For any other brother I would say fuck you, but I like your style, it’s done.”
So here it is Duggars, the word of God, straight from 7-11.